Prey of the Pride

Posted: March 27, 2017 in Uncategorized

When you are alone… When you feel yourself unidentified because the lack of roots of your own… When you are not sure if you are victim of the surrounding society or a lonely hunter of weaker than you souls…

You start asking yourself… What’s the right choice… Should you be the predator that prowl the vitality of someone else blood… Or you are just another antelope waiting for its nature end.

Most of us are just part of society founded by the main rule that the weaker should be shredded by the jaws of  carnivores thirsty for  bloody success …Others picking up the path of being on their own … Finding the truth about life and honest step by step victory… But what are they? Panthers or domesticated goat with no boldness split in their horns?

At some point you think you are not just another accident on the road … Something that makes you special… Something that makes you different than all those wolves and sheeps that we just call world…But  are you?

Do you humbly eat the grass that grows around the dust of all that death and life… Or do you grasping create death and life that will leave to the rest that so desired bite of green ?

It is funny how  during you imagine the taste of the fleshy dinner… you become one…And that definitely  will leave your mind with huge  question who you are  ?

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…And my unconscious share the night with the lonely cold moon…

All my fears were soaking deep through the rocks under my numb body…

I got no idea how my tears turned into sweet pillow of tranquil insanity…

I had no idea if I will open my eyes again …

Abruptly ,  I felt how the sunrise started to burn my fresh scars…

Probably that was one of the few moments that I could say I was so happy of feeling pain … Cause that was the only way to coax my blurry mind that I am still alive.

And I was  there sizzling, enjoying my  extra minutes of vitality …

” As near you get to the peak it gets harder doesn’t it? ”

I turned my face up wondering who said that.

And there in front of my blurry vision there was an old skinny person … Barefoot , skimpy dusty clothes … I could not manage to see his face clearly cause the sun was throwing its rays straight through him …

Somehow I pull off my body of the rocks…

I stared shocked for a while at that strange person that was on the same rocky path as me…

” Who are you? What are you doing here? ” – asked him with the hope that he will make me calm with some good  news that I am not so lost…

…. He did not answer me at all…

He turned his back and slowly start walking down my path… Straight from where I was coming from…

” Hey… Stop  … I need to know where I am ? Where and when would be the end of all that?” – was shouting desperately , hoping  he will  answer me…

Even without turning his face to me he just raised his arm , pointing  the mountain behind us:

“You need to  go over there. Everyone  wants to be there. … But very few knows what they want to find there ”

” You’ve been there?” – I asked him curiously .

” Actually  , everyone of us got the chance to be there  by some reason … Otherwise why we are trying so hard ? ” – by adding this the guy shade just melt in the burning horizon …

 

And I was  running….

Running too long  ….

Suddenly, all those wild beast noises were deaden by the sigh of my exhausted by  fear lungs…

All that jungle…. All that alive chaos hide itself behind the  horizon . The  horizon that was already kissing the sunset of my nightmare…

And the pain of my bleeding bare feet start wake up my blindfolded mind…

And  I was blind … Blind by  fear … Fear of failure … Fear of being not understand … Fear of what actually  crawl in my just human soul… Of being on my own ,  of  all that endless ocean of tears  that could  drawn my dreams….

I  kept running , running and  running away… from everything that scares my inner ME….

Somehow the forest of all those fears disappeared and  were changed into rocks of  testifying my will for happiness ….

The pain of my chosen path did not stop … Actually it became even bigger… Twisting my mental limits.. Testing my will for something more than horror end…Regretting that I could die by just like that…

I’m not sure why I kept pushing my way forward … That run  actually  just put me in a  cage . Cage, built by  nothing than personal  fears and nightmares which probably never ever will exist in my real live…

So all those  rocks under my feet were nothing than pain. Pain that  actually made me  feel… Feel  and realise what’s the real life for … No sugar coated  stories … No fakes … Just real pain that actually  managed to  reject  all those delusional fears from my scared mind…

So I was running  and my path  was taking me nowhere – at first thought nothing than a hard and torturous trip… But trip that actually   led me ahead … Above  all those things  ,staying in the deep  dark   bottom of my mind…

At some point… I hobbled badly … And  even before to be able to blink, my whole wet and shaking body was scraped on the cold stones of my trail…I remember how I stayed like that for hours … With empty eyes … Just tears , spilling my thoughts all over the  rocky  ground …. No heartbeat … Just the blood from my injures … Soaking the soil with my love…

I guess that was the end? If so … Why all that story should be written and shared ?

Why should we run cause fears ? Why  should we always prefer the actual real pain … than the nightmares of our  illusive  dread?

 

So I head faraway from that shore… Step by step just to go away from that shore… After few minutes of my  tiny existence, I am  passing bushes of green- get into the wild jungle of this island, of this experience …

As further I get into this wilderness as much I feel how my heart got pumped up and get over my mind…Is it the humidity of that jungle i step into or just the shade of my destiny… Probably I will never get to know…

So I am going into the deep wilderness …  Grass comes into bushes… Bushes into trees … Threes into wild uncontrollable emotions…

And without sense of time I am there… In the middle of that jungle… No matter where I will turn my eyesight  I am surrendered of palm threes and colourful plants. So much colours that my soul totally overtake the  control of my mind… I smile… Without a reason… Smile of all that brings a colour in my life  right now!!! I smile at all that proves to me I could see around me and all that make me forget the feeling of being blind…

I am starving.. Starving for that fruit full of colour that will fill up my grey soul… I touch with eyes all that rainbow colours that surrounds me… I smell all that tropical air of mixed feelings… I stop my eyesight on this little red cherry full of passion … Without realizing how I take it off the brunch of life , it is already intimidating with my dry and cracked of loneliness lips… I swallow all that colour in me !!!!  

Suddenly I start hearing all that monkey screams… That makes all of the leaves in that jungle shiver… I feel how the southern wind  warms up my dead cold soul and makes it boil… I dare to say… I could admit my  tired feet manage to make a step ahead… Tasting that poison of  emotions, dreams, ideas and sense for surviving in this lonely life…. I see through the life point, I am blind for all of the rest…I am deaf for my logic, I hear the madness of my heart …With each pulse beat in my veins… With each breath I take… I am getting closer to that drawing called happiness. 

I am running .. Running as wild animal… I forget all of that pain  that makes me feel helpless… I do not pay attention to all those spikes of sin that  scares my naked skin…My body is bleeding… My ankles are struggling catching up with my temp… But you know what??? I am smiling… Cause I am living in that rainbow world of happiness… And there is no reason … There should not be any… I am just happy  lost person in my own emotions and I do not care if you are going to find explanation or not…

And as I am running , drugged by the unreasonable happiness of me being living in that huge nothing… I felt thirsty… Thirsty for the truth of me being here in this world, in this time, in this location…. My feet  hit the wet stones around that little streamlet … My knees hit the ground, tired and scared…. My lips taste of that freshness called sobriety… I totally  soaked into that  … My mind start pulling the strings of my soul …And something  snaps through my sense of survival … I pull up my eyes away from that coolish water and stare ahead… Into the eyes of that beast… Having freshness from the same stream as me.. Our eyes cross…Tiger full of stripes of anger… Its eyes full of madness…It is not the beast across me… It is just me mirroring on the water surface.. All that I am afraid of… Straight across my eyes…It stares in me like the very next prey…Looking for my  weak sides … It wants to bite me.. To  tear me on tiny pieces of thoughtless reasons of existence… I am scared… It is starving for flesh of fear…But I got nothing to lose… Just dreams captured in flesh of human life…

I find  strength to pick up myself above all of that zero ground of nothing that human weakness… And to run away… But I am not running away that beast … I am running away of what I should not be turn into… I run away from all that death and pain  that makes me feel just a creator… I run away from sadness… I run away from that pain that just fear could grow up in  my soul.. Heading the end of the jungle of my emotional catharsis… Heading to the true colour of my existence…

1. Never chase the things that others told you are happiness. Look around for the key of your inner smile.

2. Throw away the lies – soon or later you will choke your happiness and luck in that deadly net.

3. Never use the words just as words – feel them. Never use the people just as people-respect them.

4. Do not hire best friends – just be around  real true person.

5. Do not feel sorry that the  top of your dream is far away. Smile on each step getting you closer to it.

6. Do not calculate, consume and desire – just  think, feel and follow.

7. Always give away all you got for your dreams, thoughts and ideas.

8. Do not waste time crying about the fail today – just take a note for the future.

9. Always give away without expectation to earn – there is something, someone or just ‘some’ that will be given back to you if you were real.

10. Do not let world, society and life to change you! YOU are the person who should change those!

… Screams of seagulls and tremble of ocean waves… Ring in my ears… I feel my body cold and soaked in salty water… Lips of passion graved in that wet dead beach sands of loneliness…

I open my eyes and all is see is finally a shore… After all that wild waves hit my body until exhaustion … I am in one piece … on a solid ground of unknown… Turn back… I see the horizon .. But from the other end… I came from somewhere there to nowhere over here… I did it … Somehow my soul reach to the unknown of dream of something new that will feed my eyes and mind with the colours of new start…

For a moment my sick and exhausted mind start thinking why I came to this shore … Since I got no direction now… My eyes  shaky and feverish start look around to target a logical direction of my next step… There are no roads… No paths to follow… Nothing that will hint me as a street sign of life experience… I almost give up and turn my head up to the empty peaceful sky  that brings to my eyes nothing that silence of heaven…

Then… Suddenly the soft wind of wisdom whisper in my ears….

Yes, I am here … Nowhere… Splashed by the waves of the fight for my dreams  on that unknown lonely shore of no direction…

But I should not be sad… I should not be disappointed… I am just here nowhere but nowhere of my dream… And somewhere there are slowly dying souls that are too afraid to take the right direction of their own inner happiness , choosing the usual  worn out paths of social mistakes and lies… I should be happy that I took my few sips of hope and  strength and just throw it in that  direction. The direction of my heart  not the one that everyone tried force me somehow to follow…

Those thoughts keep running like  a river of ambition in my veins… Suddenly my heart get stronger and faster beats… Booom, booom ,booooom. A sudden wave of energy wipe the tears  away my bleeding heart and gift with a shine smile my tired face…

Of course I got a direction… I just should keep walking ahead… So the ocean of anger and salty sadness stays as much as it could be behind my back… So that somewhere I come from completely disappear from the horizon behind me… So I could just let my heart follow my always running from me smile… So that shore of unknown just vanish from my eyes and mind… just like my footprints going to be erased from that dead land of unknown…

So I just slowly but for sure disappear in the jungle of my emotions and thoughts… Far away from that unknown…

And you have been swimming for so long, you stop counting the minutes , hours, days and weeks….

Your body hurts…. Each single muscle of your exhausted body hurts so bad , you just wish to drown in that empty nothing of this universe …

You hopelessly  turn your eyes all around the  view around you , looking for some peaceful dry and green land ….

But all you see is nothing than empty horizon of ocean waves that kiss the blue so blue sky of your life….

And before you embrace the thought for your lost life, you just looked up into your tired but still alive heart…

You looked into that tiny spark of the falling star that flames up the tremble of your passion in your  life…

It is the point of you being in that  endless  ocean, full of emotional waves, fear,  dreams and secret wishes…..

And somehow you find the way to push ahead… to the open empty horizon of your otherwise pointless life…

You see all those dolphins of hope track you down the road of your final destination …

You feel all that salty water splash  of joy , tickle your lonely heart….

You just keep pushing your body by feelings to the horizon of unknown…

Praying , hoping and believe of your someday, somewhere, no matter when happiness….

Dedicated to that one which is lost on his/her  swim to the happiness…