Posts Tagged ‘heart’

…And my unconscious share the night with the lonely cold moon…

All my fears were soaking deep through the rocks under my numb body…

I got no idea how my tears turned into sweet pillow of tranquil insanity…

I had no idea if I will open my eyes again …

Abruptly ,  I felt how the sunrise started to burn my fresh scars…

Probably that was one of the few moments that I could say I was so happy of feeling pain … Cause that was the only way to coax my blurry mind that I am still alive.

And I was  there sizzling, enjoying my  extra minutes of vitality …

” As near you get to the peak it gets harder doesn’t it? ”

I turned my face up wondering who said that.

And there in front of my blurry vision there was an old skinny person … Barefoot , skimpy dusty clothes … I could not manage to see his face clearly cause the sun was throwing its rays straight through him …

Somehow I pull off my body of the rocks…

I stared shocked for a while at that strange person that was on the same rocky path as me…

” Who are you? What are you doing here? ” – asked him with the hope that he will make me calm with some good  news that I am not so lost…

…. He did not answer me at all…

He turned his back and slowly start walking down my path… Straight from where I was coming from…

” Hey… Stop  … I need to know where I am ? Where and when would be the end of all that?” – was shouting desperately , hoping  he will  answer me…

Even without turning his face to me he just raised his arm , pointing  the mountain behind us:

“You need to  go over there. Everyone  wants to be there. … But very few knows what they want to find there ”

” You’ve been there?” – I asked him curiously .

” Actually  , everyone of us got the chance to be there  by some reason … Otherwise why we are trying so hard ? ” – by adding this the guy shade just melt in the burning horizon …

 

And I was  running….

Running too long  ….

Suddenly, all those wild beast noises were deaden by the sigh of my exhausted by  fear lungs…

All that jungle…. All that alive chaos hide itself behind the  horizon . The  horizon that was already kissing the sunset of my nightmare…

And the pain of my bleeding bare feet start wake up my blindfolded mind…

And  I was blind … Blind by  fear … Fear of failure … Fear of being not understand … Fear of what actually  crawl in my just human soul… Of being on my own ,  of  all that endless ocean of tears  that could  drawn my dreams….

I  kept running , running and  running away… from everything that scares my inner ME….

Somehow the forest of all those fears disappeared and  were changed into rocks of  testifying my will for happiness ….

The pain of my chosen path did not stop … Actually it became even bigger… Twisting my mental limits.. Testing my will for something more than horror end…Regretting that I could die by just like that…

I’m not sure why I kept pushing my way forward … That run  actually  just put me in a  cage . Cage, built by  nothing than personal  fears and nightmares which probably never ever will exist in my real live…

So all those  rocks under my feet were nothing than pain. Pain that  actually made me  feel… Feel  and realise what’s the real life for … No sugar coated  stories … No fakes … Just real pain that actually  managed to  reject  all those delusional fears from my scared mind…

So I was running  and my path  was taking me nowhere – at first thought nothing than a hard and torturous trip… But trip that actually   led me ahead … Above  all those things  ,staying in the deep  dark   bottom of my mind…

At some point… I hobbled badly … And  even before to be able to blink, my whole wet and shaking body was scraped on the cold stones of my trail…I remember how I stayed like that for hours … With empty eyes … Just tears , spilling my thoughts all over the  rocky  ground …. No heartbeat … Just the blood from my injures … Soaking the soil with my love…

I guess that was the end? If so … Why all that story should be written and shared ?

Why should we run cause fears ? Why  should we always prefer the actual real pain … than the nightmares of our  illusive  dread?

 

On way home I was thinking…

Thinking and walking…

Staring at all those views that were reflecting in my eyes…

Just rusty street lights are kissing my shadow that moves lonely on the wet pavement…

What is all that around me? Why did I pick up that way? Where does all that lead too? What is that thing that made me do each one of those steps on your road?

And I am asking myself…And I am looking for the reason in that tiny otherwise cold-blooded thing in my chests called heart… And I keep  writing and writing… Like tracing all my thoughts with the hope that someday I will actually will realize the reason…

I guess every truly wished and needed happiness is something that we will always chase and dream for… But it could not be touched… Just like a rose- fresh, full of that red passion … And thorns … Ah those thorns- every time when you dare to touch that beautiful rose they pierce deep into your ruff skin… Sting you with that heat of sweet pain right into your so cold of loneliness heart… Funny how that feeling that hurts so bad, actually brings a honest smile on that face that was so dead time ago…

I guess it is like all of the rest on this world that brings the light of happiness in your  dark shady mind… You put  a dream in front of you- something you dream  for … Something you desire to embrace with your empty hands… Something you would like to taste with your thirsty for love lips… Something you would like to gift with your otherwise useless life…

And you start climbing that  huge hill towards that thing… And you are going and going on, no matter the cold, no matter all that illogical unpredictable storm that makes you blind and ready to suffer  all the disasters on your way to the top of your dream…And all of your fingers  are covered with nothing than your own blood, because all those sharp, dry and dusty rocks of regret that are cutting your skin as a sheet of paper…And you are drowning in your own sweat and the only thing that  keeps you breath is the hope that someday you will step on the top of your dream…

After many sleepless nights… After many lonely months… You are there on the top… You are there in front of that  “view”…But you can’t hug it, you can’t touch it… You can’t kiss it… You can’t  feel it with the tips of your fingers…All you could is all you could see faraway in the horizon that shines in your tired eyes… And that rings that feel in your heart… And that makes you smile… Happy no matter that “view” is just a view that makes you sad eyes to smile… And you feel it so close to you… And it so away from your hands…And it is so close to your soul… And it is so deep in your mind… You can’t stop watching it, thinking about it…I guess all of the biggest happiness in this world are like that… You could only appreciated it with your heart and nothing else…

And you are up there… In front of that “view”… Holding in hands that “rose”… Tasting with your eyes that dream of yours…You lose the sense of  time… You lose the feel of self-survival… And at some point a new question pops up in your so drugged by the beauty mind…Here I am… In front of all I fight for… But does that “view”  need and want me too? Does that dream really want to be my  dream  or? Does that rose really furtively wish to be in my hands???

Thorns…And nothing else… Pain… And wish could be else…

Thorns… Make me wish for all that I could be wanted for…

Thorns… that  makes me wish to be wished by my dream of my existing…

And I am there on that  hard to reach  top… In front of that admirable ” view” of my life… squeezing the rose of my heart…

 

He does not like to talk… He prefers to write… So even the deaf one  could hear his story…

He does not like to think…He loves to feel and to feel love… So he could fly away from that cold so logical lie called society…

He does not like to listen… He tries to understand… So he could let each single word to soak deep into his soul…

He does not like just to exist… He wants to live…So someday in the end , he could say with smile on his sad face ” I guess that’s life”…

He does not mind to be used… Because his heart is already pretty much worn out…

He does not care if the rest of the world  lies him all the time… He already lied to himself million of times.

He realizes  that his happiness is just a dream… But that does not make him sad…His life is already just an illusion that strangely comes to reality…

He enjoys all those love songs no matter his heart  sounds more like the soft strings of solo guitar into the quiet dark summer night…

He has nothing than a backpack of memories, dreams and ideas…But that is not a problem… He already knows that all in this material greedy world is not forever…

He needs to be loved… But he learned his lesson… Life is about give not to get…

He has no family, no friends, no love half… He accepted that… Life is to be next to someone, not someone to be next to you…

He prefers to have  billions that hate him honestly… But it is okey… He already felt how it is to be loved by hypocritical one…

He is one of those freaks that appreciate even the cold wet pavement… Just because it is so real and honest…

And here he is… In that small dark room… Far away from all that vanity, greed and public comments… Sit in front of his dusty desk… Spreading his thoughts and feelings by the touch of his finger tips. Spreading his tears and smiles all around the keyboard. Excusing himself for those  rows  with the alcohol… Hiding the real reason that  makes his heart beat as a wild animal in a tiny cage…I guess he feels himself cursed to be alone and  misunderstood… I guess he is lucky to see his own way by the stars not by the other people thoughts.

And there are no rules that put his freedom into a cage… Just page after page scoring year after year of his life on this world…Just  row after row marking his existing. Just thought after thought making up his personality. Just a word after word that tracing his breath. Just a letter after letter, pointing each single heartbeat of his already dead heart…

And he believes that he could change someone else life. And he dares to show his heart to the rest of the world. And he hopes that those letters got a point for the people on this planet. And he fights for his thoughts. And he loses all that pleasure. And he wins the meaning of life…

He does not afraid that his heart is smiling at his loneliness … He does not feel the shame that a man could deeply cry by his soul…He does not feel wrong to love the wrong one… He does not feel the pain… He feels just the dream that he could  have some other life…

He closes eyes every night with the hope that the next day he will meet the new story for his book. He wakes up with the feel that  today will be the day of changing the world. He walks around the street with a smile on his otherwise calm face, sharing the joy of breathing now right here. He shares his tears only with his heart… Guess life is already too drown in sadness… He does not mind to trade a tear of his for a smile for someone else… He just loves to change and change the love around the world.

…And every time when he thinks that his idea is done, he just rips off the page of his notebook  and throws it away… Throws it away with the hope that someday, someone will  find it out in the mud of public noise and somehow will appreciate it… Will find out the pure thoughts in that  worn out sheet of paper… And he is not counting the pages… He does not even think how much he got left to the last cover… And he is ripping off pages, throw them away… And he is ripping off pieces of his heart and share them with the rest of the world…

For all those that will pick up the pieces of my notebook

Stuck on the window of my future…

Staring at that nowhere- just trying to be as far as could it be away of my grey view… from where actually I stay…

Ahead is away… Down is deep… Up is unreachable…

I’m holding in my dead hands all those pictures, all those memories that I placed into the frames of my mind…Frames- painted with all those  so priceless for me colours of emotions…

Funny… Keep all those faces… Carefully gathered through all of my existing , put in those frames of my heart, placed on the dusty shelves of my otherwise so pure life…

Since all those faces  are somehow not next to me… Why I keep them so close next to me??? If I really meant something for them  why they are just photos of fake smiling illusion that  keeps in prison the frames of my heart??? Why should I lose that so tiny space of my shelf to keep all that ???? Why should I keep my ashtray full of stinky dead cigarette ash??? Isn’t it the right moment  just to throw them all through the window of my future? And just to let one last tear through my anyway empty eyes , during I’m watching how all of those  phony smiles are falling  down into the deep… Disappearing ….

I know  that the sound of breaking all those frames will hurt and will make me feel  deaf for the real smiles and moments from now on… I realize that  the glass of those frames will stab my already half-dead heart… and even the few drops of blood that are still there, are going to drown me in cold anger and heartless existing until the end of my path.

It will be hard as cold rock that will smash my mind every single moment when i try to look through the window of my future… It will be bitter-sweet drama of such a comedy called destiny.

But I should do it… I have no choice… 

I should  do it – this is the only way I could get more space on my shelf for the new and true ones…

I should do it! I should throw away all of those golden but otherwise rotten apples, out of my heaven garden so I could keep that place not so shiny but at least real and true…

I close my eyes… Last tear scar my sad face… 

Spread my palms…

Today, was staring at the clouds chasing each others… At that moment the string of my heart just told me ” Do you see that? The grey ones are pushing the white ones far away?”… At that point I start thinking what is going on in my  life… And what should go on???

I tried to point the right way by my thoughts to rest around me but I could not get a thoughtful way for me.

I tried to help but I could not get help for myself….

I tried to love but I could not get love for myself….

I tried to live for the others but could not get life for myself …

I cut flesh of my flesh to feed  all of the starving ones.

I spill words of my words to let the speech flow into the ears of the deaf ones.

I spray thoughts of my thoughts to  make the  senseless get an a reason.

I waste feelings of my feelings to make the dead hearts beat with emotion.

Let me share  piece of my mind and let you know how grey is the way to the rainbow of the happiness.

Let me give you piece of my heart and let you feel how sad is to love without to be loved.

Let me  let you taste the texture of my blood, like a lion caged his innocent prey, hot and sour but so addicting.

Let me put my wings of dreams on your back so you could realize how tiring is to fly around that lonely world.

I guess the destiny tunes are more that our voice could sing in our daily path…

I guess that spot is staffed with empty eyes, stuck minds, confused hearts and little bit of hope…

I guess that place is overcrowded with billions of feelings, tons of dreams, miles of dreams, ocean of tears and sky of sparking smiles….

Have you ever think about our souls? Have you ever think about our minds?Have you ever think about us?

Ah soul… Just a bird  staying  on the dead tree branch… Staring at the warm clothed in red horizon.After years gathering courage, spreads wings and fly towards that view with huge hope of happiness and love… And after  a few miles of lonely flight, sadly turns back head to that  dead branch.But it’s too far away, so just lands on another one- keeping the memory of the old one and its eyes on the unreachable horizon.

Ah mind… Just lonely wolf, waiting for the full moon to tickle with shine  the madness in its eyes.So it could howl until all that pain in its heart could break the darkness of the cold night.And if it is not enough… Has no choice beside to wait for the next one…

Ah people… We are just puppets … No matter how much we want love, happiness, humanity we just can not reach these, because our moves are pulled by the strings of society rules- greed, success, prosperity, money.

Before I put the dot in my sentence of that insane thinking… Before I close my mind for all those not logical for all of you thoughts… Before I shut the door of my heart for all those needs… Let me ask you this my friend… Let me ask you – what are you going to do when all those people that are sacrificing  their flesh, thoughts and feelings for you are gone?… Just because they want a smile on their faces too…

Who will swallow your sour tears? Who will brush away the dark clouds of your sad sky? Who will be the wind in your soul wings? Who will howl next to you in the cold night?

I guess if you know… you reach the perfect spot under that  storm…

I guess if you do not know… you are pretty much done with your existence as a real person and you left only with your human cover,  left out there  as a trash…

 

Letter to my heart

Posted: January 28, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Tonight I am staying in my box… Tonight I am existing in my body…Tonight I am thinking with my brain…

I never lie to you… All the time I just lied to myself… I never put you in a box… I was just building walls around my body… I never think about you… I was thinking about me…I never listen to your beat… I just listened to the  world around me…

And I am thinking too much… But  I always don’t have answers for your questions… 

And I was living too much… But I have not seen you…

And I was smiling too much… But I could not make you happy…

And I was running like a little kid through the valley of life… But I never reached your rainbow…

Suddenly I realize that I built tiny box that close just my body… without a space for you…

Suddenly I notice that I create so much thoughts..without idea for you…

Suddenly I guess I invent so much solutions for  so silly things… without figure you out…

Suddenly my feet  just  kissed the edge of that lonely cliff… and I realize that I can’t fly without you…

Tried to go back, but my back just hit the dusty thick wall of my thoughts.Tried to embrace  the destiny of your missing wings but the fear of jumping alone made that impossible. Tried to get you back… Then I realize that I love you… Then I realize you were next to me all that time – just waiting for some love…

Ruin all of the walls around you… Throw away all of the thoughts against you… Deaf for the world around- all I want is your beat counting each wonderful moment of my existence here in my tiny spot on this planet…

I should love..because I want you to be loved…I should love…because I need you…I should love… because I want your love…

Tonight I am staying in my dreams…Tonight I am existing in my emotions…Tonight I am feel with you-my heart…