Posts Tagged ‘pain’

And I was  running….

Running too long  ….

Suddenly, all those wild beast noises were deaden by the sigh of my exhausted by  fear lungs…

All that jungle…. All that alive chaos hide itself behind the  horizon . The  horizon that was already kissing the sunset of my nightmare…

And the pain of my bleeding bare feet start wake up my blindfolded mind…

And  I was blind … Blind by  fear … Fear of failure … Fear of being not understand … Fear of what actually  crawl in my just human soul… Of being on my own ,  of  all that endless ocean of tears  that could  drawn my dreams….

I  kept running , running and  running away… from everything that scares my inner ME….

Somehow the forest of all those fears disappeared and  were changed into rocks of  testifying my will for happiness ….

The pain of my chosen path did not stop … Actually it became even bigger… Twisting my mental limits.. Testing my will for something more than horror end…Regretting that I could die by just like that…

I’m not sure why I kept pushing my way forward … That run  actually  just put me in a  cage . Cage, built by  nothing than personal  fears and nightmares which probably never ever will exist in my real live…

So all those  rocks under my feet were nothing than pain. Pain that  actually made me  feel… Feel  and realise what’s the real life for … No sugar coated  stories … No fakes … Just real pain that actually  managed to  reject  all those delusional fears from my scared mind…

So I was running  and my path  was taking me nowhere – at first thought nothing than a hard and torturous trip… But trip that actually   led me ahead … Above  all those things  ,staying in the deep  dark   bottom of my mind…

At some point… I hobbled badly … And  even before to be able to blink, my whole wet and shaking body was scraped on the cold stones of my trail…I remember how I stayed like that for hours … With empty eyes … Just tears , spilling my thoughts all over the  rocky  ground …. No heartbeat … Just the blood from my injures … Soaking the soil with my love…

I guess that was the end? If so … Why all that story should be written and shared ?

Why should we run cause fears ? Why  should we always prefer the actual real pain … than the nightmares of our  illusive  dread?

 

On way home I was thinking…

Thinking and walking…

Staring at all those views that were reflecting in my eyes…

Just rusty street lights are kissing my shadow that moves lonely on the wet pavement…

What is all that around me? Why did I pick up that way? Where does all that lead too? What is that thing that made me do each one of those steps on your road?

And I am asking myself…And I am looking for the reason in that tiny otherwise cold-blooded thing in my chests called heart… And I keep  writing and writing… Like tracing all my thoughts with the hope that someday I will actually will realize the reason…

I guess every truly wished and needed happiness is something that we will always chase and dream for… But it could not be touched… Just like a rose- fresh, full of that red passion … And thorns … Ah those thorns- every time when you dare to touch that beautiful rose they pierce deep into your ruff skin… Sting you with that heat of sweet pain right into your so cold of loneliness heart… Funny how that feeling that hurts so bad, actually brings a honest smile on that face that was so dead time ago…

I guess it is like all of the rest on this world that brings the light of happiness in your  dark shady mind… You put  a dream in front of you- something you dream  for … Something you desire to embrace with your empty hands… Something you would like to taste with your thirsty for love lips… Something you would like to gift with your otherwise useless life…

And you start climbing that  huge hill towards that thing… And you are going and going on, no matter the cold, no matter all that illogical unpredictable storm that makes you blind and ready to suffer  all the disasters on your way to the top of your dream…And all of your fingers  are covered with nothing than your own blood, because all those sharp, dry and dusty rocks of regret that are cutting your skin as a sheet of paper…And you are drowning in your own sweat and the only thing that  keeps you breath is the hope that someday you will step on the top of your dream…

After many sleepless nights… After many lonely months… You are there on the top… You are there in front of that  “view”…But you can’t hug it, you can’t touch it… You can’t kiss it… You can’t  feel it with the tips of your fingers…All you could is all you could see faraway in the horizon that shines in your tired eyes… And that rings that feel in your heart… And that makes you smile… Happy no matter that “view” is just a view that makes you sad eyes to smile… And you feel it so close to you… And it so away from your hands…And it is so close to your soul… And it is so deep in your mind… You can’t stop watching it, thinking about it…I guess all of the biggest happiness in this world are like that… You could only appreciated it with your heart and nothing else…

And you are up there… In front of that “view”… Holding in hands that “rose”… Tasting with your eyes that dream of yours…You lose the sense of  time… You lose the feel of self-survival… And at some point a new question pops up in your so drugged by the beauty mind…Here I am… In front of all I fight for… But does that “view”  need and want me too? Does that dream really want to be my  dream  or? Does that rose really furtively wish to be in my hands???

Thorns…And nothing else… Pain… And wish could be else…

Thorns… Make me wish for all that I could be wanted for…

Thorns… that  makes me wish to be wished by my dream of my existing…

And I am there on that  hard to reach  top… In front of that admirable ” view” of my life… squeezing the rose of my heart…